


The Great Escape

by Seldavia



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Gen, My First AO3 Post, Parody, more characters as the story continues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-09-29 14:53:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17205464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seldavia/pseuds/Seldavia
Summary: A tournament of champions! The clash of bitter rivals! The sacred bond of friendship! Could anything be better? Sure - when you can't leave!





	1. Kidnapped Again!

Peach had been kidnapped. Again.

As the monarch of a large, prosperous kingdom, there were just certain risks one grew accustomed to facing. As the neighbor of another would-be monarch with a reckless streak of infatuation, those risks tended to increase more than the usual. Since the only possibility of fighting back against such forces usually amounted to a measly two outsiders, the risks shifted to reality pretty quickly.

And, since those two outsiders had made a name for themselves in a great many other kingdoms, they inexorably drew more dangerous individuals seeking their own fame.

There were upsides to this sort of thing, of course. Peach had seen a great deal more of the world – and other worlds – than if the Mushroom Kingdom had always stayed peaceful and manageable. A couple times she had been forced to fend for herself, and so gained a level of confidence and competence that would not have been allowed to surface otherwise. For all the twisted, evil individuals that had come into her life, there were many more who had brightened it when all threatened to go dark.

Still, some kidnappings were better than others. Bowser at least could be trusted not to do anything seriously dangerous. She would be given a nice place to stay, and he might even be able to tempt her into a round of tennis to pass the time. He was not above either working with or competing against his enemies in a friendly game. For all his fire and bluster, he just seemed to enjoy causing a ruckus.

He would not, however, strand her in what appeared to be a basement with gray concrete walls, with an endless number of arrows pointing down an endless number of corners. Peach had been walking for what seemed like hours, with nothing but the sound of her own footfalls for company.

Finally, the tomb-like silence began to give way to a tinkling melody. She didn't recognize the tune, but it felt completely out of place. Carnival music, with the toots of whistles and tinkle of bells. Was this the backstage of a circus? What were the chances she'd find herself on some kind of spotlit rotating platform, placed on view for a multitude of rogues?

Finally her path led her to a pair of double-doors, the thick metal variety with a push-bar for escaping fire. With a fervent prayer that what she found on the other side would not be worse than what she was coming from, she pushed one of the doors open.

The sudden increase in volume alone nearly blew her backward, but the sound was nothing compared to the sight that assailed her eyes. Bright moving lights of all sizes and colors flashed in rhythm to the music, a carnival nightmare that espoused evil clowns more than happy children. Sitting before her, in a small railcar painted in glowing pink and green, was a tall man in an outfit that stood out even in the cacophony of color. A tall top hat, a purple suit with a glittering orange flower, white boots studded with rhinestones, white gloves that ended in cuffs of mutating rainbows.

He stepped from the railcar and doffed his hat, dropping down into a gangly bow. "Greetings, Princess Peach, Matriarch of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mother of Toads, Queen of Power-Ups! Welcome to the Arena!"

"Um...thank you," Peach answered, more at a loss for words than usual. "And you are...?"

He stood at attention and replaced his top hat, extending his hand. "I am the Grand Master, the Hand of Fate. You may call me Master Hand."

"Er...pleased to meet you, Mister Hand..." She extended her own for a handshake.

"MASTER Hand," he said in the same friendly, singsong tone he had used to greet her, but with a flash of the eyes and surprisingly strong squeeze of the hand. Peach sensed immediately that she was not in store for a Bowser-style kidnapping. He pulled her gently but firmly into the railcar. "I am the master of games, the Baron of Bets, the Earl of Entertainment! Cast away all dull toil, all ye who enter here, for FUN is the order of the day!" He sat down on one end of the railcar, facing her, and motioned toward her to do likewise. The moment she was seated, the railcar lurched into motion, propelling her forward into a tunnel with walls on all sides and the smiling Master in front of her. The walls dimmed to black, then flashed to life, showing a hodgepodge of images of the Mushroom Kingdom.

"The role of Princess is a hard one, is it not?" implored the Master. "How competent you must be, to handle a population of mischievous Boos and literally explosive Bob-Ombs! Well, you have earned a well-deserved vacation!" The scenery changed to a luxurious bedroom with balcony and enormous bath; a table laden with lobster, exotic fruits, and seven-layer cake; a swimming pool with slides, fountains, and a Tiki bar; and a large room with gigantic TV set, pool and ping-pong tables, and a karaoke machine.

"But what fun would this be all by yourself? Here are gathered the most brilliant and talented warriors, from the far reaches of the universe!" The images changed again, showing scenery that felt exotic even to a traveler of worlds like Peach. And as strange and varied as the landscapes were the people; a fox piloting a winged craft, a bouncing pink blob, a furry creature that summoned lightning with a cry.

Despite this, only one word stuck in Peach's mind. "Did you say warriors?"

"But of course!" Master Hand exclaimed with toothy glee. "O Princess of Perils, I have seen deep inside your heart, and I can tell that you tire of playing the passive role. Here you can match wits as well as skill!"

"B-but, I'm no kind of warrior," Peach stammered. "The Mario brothers..."

"Hush! There is nothing to fear. We are entering the Safe Zone." Here he pointed upward to an arc of light. As they passed through it, Peach felt a strange sensation, like being covered in a protective barrier. "After all, this is a place of games and amusement, not life-or-death battles! Go ahead, hit me!"

"I could hardly..."

"Go ahead, do it!"

Peach reached forward and struck him across the face as hard as she could. Her hand tingled with the strange sensation of rubber striking rubber. The Master's head whipped to the side, then snapped back. "You see? What fun would it be if you had the specter of death hanging over you? And now, the game begins!"

With that, he pulled back on a lever and the bottom of the railcar opened up. "Here's just a little warm-up to get you used to the mechanics of the place," the Master called down as Peach fell through with a startled yell. "After that, get some rest, as I've got lots of activities planned for everyone!"

Peach landed with a slight bounce, which mercifully did not hurt at all. "At least that bit about the Safe Zone wasn't a lie," Peach muttered as she dusted herself off. She looked around to find herself in a passable imitation of the Mushroom Kingdom, but obviously engineered so that there was one and only one way to move forward.

"Vacation indeed," Peach muttered. "A day by the seaside with a good book would have suited me better!"

Peach carefully made her way along the passage, keeping clear of all obstacles. "Now now, that won't do!"

She stopped short as she heard the Master's voice. She looked back and forth, but could see no one. Where was the voice coming from? Inside her own head?

"I know you're more of a pacifist than some of your peers, but this will be no fun if you simply try to dodge everything. And don't think I would throw you in here with nothing but your bare hands! Look to the ground!"

Peach did so, and recognized some of the tufts of grass. She pulled one up and got a fair-sized turnip. "And these will show up regardless of what stage is set!" the Master assured her as she tossed it at a Goomba. Its image shivered and disappeared; a holographic projection. "But you also have the ability to summon certain items; just think of it, and it will appear in your hand! Have a go at punting that one across the field," he said as another Goomba appeared. "Or should I say, a line drive?"

A golf club appeared in her hand. She lined up the shot and sent the faux Goomba sailing. "Brilliant, no? But there's still more! You'd think there's no way to get across that yawning chasm, right?"

"That did come to mind," she replied dryly as she stepped up to the side of a wide canyon.

"Think of an umbrella in your hand! And now, jump the gap!"

"Are you kidding?" Peach demanded as the suggested umbrella appeared.

"What are you afraid of? This is the Safe Zone, after all!"

"Is there a bottom to this thing?" Peach asked warily, not able to see anything but blackness below.

"Actually, it's a sort of warp zone," the Master replied, "Not all that different from what you see in your own world. Observe!"

Somebody shoved Peach roughly in the back, and she fell over the side with a shriek. The umbrella popped open and she found herself floating slowly downward.

"With practice, you should be able to pull your way out of a fall. But for now, I'll just demonstrate the warp zone."

With that, Peach found herself swallowed up in darkness. But before she could move or cry out, she was standing back on the edge of the cliff again. She breathed in deeply, trying to slow down her racing heart, and opened the umbrella again. "You're saying I can actually cross this if I jump far enough?"

"Absolutely!"

Peach took several steps back, sucked in a deep breath, and sprinted for the edge. She leaped over the side, and held the umbrella over her head. To her surprise, she could feel both the umbrella and her skirts trap air beneath, and she floated slowly over to the other side.

"You see? Easy! Now I'll just leave you to the practice course. Your living quarters are on the other side, which you'll share with some of the other warriors. Ta-ta!"

"I hope the others are less crazy than that guy," Peach muttered as she slowly made her way through the obstacle course.

Finally, hot, sweaty, and dusty from sliding down a hill of sand, she reached another fire door. She pushed it open with a grunt, and found herself in another hallway. This one, however, had a shiny tiled floor and elegant wallpaper. Her heels clicked on the floor and she rounded a corner to see the TV room she'd been shown earlier. A group of odd-looking characters stopped what they were doing and raised their heads to greet the newcomer.

Two young boys sat in front of the television. One looked like any small boy, with a striped shirt and baseball cap, but the other sported a laurel crown and a set of wings. Off to the side stood a person who could have been a robot or just wearing heavy armor, Peach couldn't tell. A gorilla wearing a tie turned toward her with a ping-pong paddle in its hand. His partner was a young woman, and as Peach spied the crown on her head, she felt a surge of relief at possibly meeting another princess. But behind her, tinkering with karaoke machine, was a much more familiar face.

"Peach!" Bowser's face lit up the moment she spotted him. "Am I glad to see you!"


	2. Welcome to the Arena

Of all the possible people she could meet from back home...it had to be Bowser.

Still, it was good to see a familiar face. So she didn't protest when he shuffled up to her and gave her a crushing hug. "Nice digs, huh? But let me introduce you to the others! Listen up, everyone, this is Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom, and a finer lady you won't find anywhere. Peach, the gorilla dude here is Donkey Kong. Doesn't talk much, but he's a nice guy. The kid with wings is Pit. He's an actual angel, in service to a goddess. The other kid is Ness. He has these crazy psycho powers..."

"Psychic powers," said Ness.

"What he said. The one in the robot armor is Samus, he don't talk much either. And last but not least, a princess like yourself...her name's Zelda."

They all agreed they were glad to meet. "There's a lot more," Bowser informed her, "but they're staying in different quarters. We only see them when it's time to fight. And we get switched around sometimes. But this is a pretty sweet place, you gotta admit. And the food! There's actually enough to fill my belly for once!"

"So...about this fighting thing," Peach said. "How often does that happen?"

"Oh, you get notice, don't worry," Bowser assured her. "There's a tourney schedule posted every day. We're done for today, so you can just relax. And that Safe Zone thing really works! So you don't have to worry about getting hurt. Hmm, maybe I'll ask Master Hand if I can be your first fight. Show you the ropes, you know?"

"I...appreciate it," she said, relieved at least that she would not be alone in a group of strange fighters. "I really need to rest now, though."

"Competitor, please follow me." A little grayish robot about half Peach's size came out of the kitchen. "My name is R.O.B. I will show you to your room."

"Oh yeah! Almost forgot! You need anything, you just ask Robbie here," Bowser called after them as the little robot led her down a long hallway.

Peach's room was on the far left-hand side. She opened it to find the entire room decorated in pink. A pink four-poster bed, pink vanity table, pink overstuffed chairs and ottomans, with the bathroom striped in pink and white like a candy cane. The huge picture window and balcony overlooked the swimming pool. She flopped down on the bed. It was surprisingly comfortable. "Please join us for dinner, in three hours," the little robot said, and closed the door as he backed into the hall.

She didn't realize she had fallen asleep until she woke up at a slight knock. Stumbling groggily to the door, she opened it to find Zelda standing there.

Before Peach could utter a word, Zelda apologized softly for disturbing her, then asked, "Is Bowser a friend of yours?"

"Er...well, he's usually a big pain in the neck, but he can be really nice when he wants to...when no one is looking..." Peach blinked. "He's really more of a 'frenemy'. Why do you ask?"

Zelda answered as if she would have made the same reply regardless of what Peach said. "You must be careful not to show too much concern in the Arena. Pit would not fight his goddess, Palutena, and Master Hand moved her to another room." She flicked her eyes back to the main room. "I must go. We can speak again, after dinner."

Peach stared for a few moments at Zelda's retreating back, then pulled her head back into her room and closed the door. If Pit was being forced to fight when he didn't want to, why was he here?

Why were ANY of them here?

Not knowing what else to do, Peach took a bath, to freshen up before dinner. As she scrubbed shampoo into her scalp, she tried to get a grip on what was going on. Bowser seemed totally at ease; but then, he liked causing trouble, so he was not really a good indicator of what kind of situation she was in. She didn't know Zelda at all, but she certainly appeared to be giving Peach a warning. Peach wouldn't have minded if Bowser was moved to another area, but experience had taught her that a frenemy was better than nothing.

There didn't seem to be anything else to do but go to dinner, so Peach styled her hair, put on a clean dress that had mysteriously appeared on the bed (hopefully supplied by R.O.B. when she was in the bath), and walked to the dining room.

Zelda appeared to be deliberately ignoring her, and she had people sitting on either side of her anyway. Bowser, at the head of the table and downing shovelfuls of food, gestured for her to come over. "Try the roast, it's amazing," he said with his mouth full.

Peach served herself a bit of the roast, some potatoes, and a slice of cherry pie. "Samus isn't here?"

"I'm not sure he needs to eat," Bowser replied. "Don't worry about it."

At the opposite end, Donkey Kong made a series of gruff hoots. His plate consisted entirely of bananas.

"He says Master Hand is going to bring a lot more people soon," Ness translated.

"Oh, you can speak gorilla?" Peach asked.

Ness shook his head, then tapped his temple. "Telepathy."

"I see..." Peach looked around at the empty chairs. "Well, it does look like this place is set up for more than we have here."

"Do you have a rival, Princess?" Pit asked. "I have one – though I haven't met him before. Palutena says it's my destiny to beat him. That's why I'm here."

Peach puzzled over the idea of a rival one had never met. "I suppose Bowser is, sort of...but not enough to fight a tournament over...why are the rest of you here?"

Zelda shot her a warning look, but any replies to her question were drowned out by an irritating, high-pitched signal. A holographic projection of Master Hand appeared on the table, bowing and removing his top hat. "Evening, my fine warriors, and how does the day find you?"

"I'm ready for tomorrow!" Pit exclaimed with gusto. Kong hooted and banged the table, sending some of the silverware flying.

"Hey, let me introduce Peach to the Arena," Bowser said. "We've competed against each other before."

"Of course, of course!" Master Hand replied. "How about going head-to-head first, then teaming up?" He turned toward Peach with an expectant expression.

Peach turned on her cheeriest happy-smile. "I'm looking forward to having lots of fun!"

"Excellent! You should all retire immediately to your rooms after dinner. Oh, I know, I know," he said as Ness and Pit objected. "It's well before even little boys' bed-time. But I've got a whole group of new people for you – so get some rest! Ta-ta!"

Peach breathed a sigh of relief as he disappeared. Turning back to her dinner, she ate as much as she could. She had a feeling she would need it.

* * *

When Peach stepped into the Arena the next morning, her eardrums were nearly shattered by the loudest cheering she had ever heard. She glanced around to see seats full of people. Who were all these people who had come to see her fight? Were they even real, or another illusion like the stage itself?

Bowser had explained the stages to her over breakfast, along with the fighting props. "If you manage to get your hands on an object, use it! Some of 'em are booby trapped...but most of 'em will give you an advantage!"

As she walked up to the middle of the stage – again, made to look like a slice of the Mushroom Kingdom – she could see Bowser walking forward, waving to the crowd. The multitudes vanished as she came to the middle of the arena, with an illusion of more grass and hills taking its place.

"And now, for the benefit of our newest competitor, we'll go over the basics!" Master Hand announced from some hidden space. "Every touch is a hit, though stronger attacks cause more damage! If you're thrown out of the ring, it's game over! If you fall through the cracks, it's game over! If you accumulate enough damage, it's game over! Now...START!"

Bowser rushed toward her with such force that she instinctively dodged out of the way. "C'mon, don't be shy!" he called out. "This is the only place where you'd be able to beat me anyway! Ha ha ha!"

She crouched down and pulled up a convenient turnip, then bounced it off his face. "Good one!" he encouraged her. "Now it's my turn!"

He pulled back his hand and raked his claws against her shoulder. She spun in the air and landed flop on the floor looking rather surprised. "See, doesn't hurt!" Bowser called as he slashed at her again. "Go ahead, give it a try!"

Peach gave him a slap across the face and was surprised to see him stagger back a step. She summoned her umbrella and dealt a few more blows, startled to see him thrown back quite a bit. "Doesn't matter if the attack makes no sense!" Master Hand called out over the roaring crowd. "Each person has their own set of moves, and all can work equally well when done right!"

Peach felt a surge of confidence. She could never take Bowser on in a real fight, but if umbrella-slapping dealt this much damage, she might actually hold her own. She swung with a golf club and a tennis racket, though neither one seemed to have a greater effect. She leaped in the air as he spun under her, and opened the umbrella to take her time coming down.

In the middle of a slap-fest he breathed fire into her face. She instinctively staggered back, even though she felt neither heat nor pain, and fell into one of the bottomless pits.

A moment later she was kneeling, gasping at the side of the Arena. The stage disappeared and Bowser walked over. "You did pretty good, for your first time!"

"Uh, thanks," she said as she staggered to her feet.

"This game goes to Bowser!" Master Hand announced, and the cheering crowds came into view again. Bowser waved and blew kisses to his audience. "But this is a newcomer to watch, ladies and gentlemen!" Then, in a voice only Bowser and Peach could hear, he added, "So now Bowser will go onto the next fight, and you'll retire for now. Just go back the way you came and you can relax until the next match."

Peach did as she was told. Pit was waiting for her inside the living area. "So how did it go?" he demanded. DK clapped excitedly.

"It was fun," she said, a bit out of breath, "but...I've never done this sort of thing before...if had been someone I didn't know, I'd have no idea what to do..."

"Zelda can help you with that!" He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the dining room table, where Zelda sat with about a dozen cards scattered about. "She's been helping me too...I have to make sure I can beat everybody else before I can go up against my rival!"

Peach sat down across from Zelda and gave her a nervous smile. She picked up a card and saw it had Donkey Kong's picture on it. On the front were what looked like baseball card stats, with labels like Strength, Defense, and Special Moves. On the back was a web diagram with the same information.

"I've been putting together profiles of all the competitors," Zelda explained, "Based on my experience, and from what the others have told me. Of course, there are new people coming in soon, but if you look at these you won't be caught completely off guard."

"What a clever thing to do!" Peach exclaimed, and she meant it. Looking through, she noticed some of them were for people she had not seen yet. "These are people staying elsewhere?"

Zelda nodded. She gave Peach a significant look, and handed one to her of a tall, green-haired woman in a white dress. Reading the description, she realized that this must be Pit's goddess, the one he wasn't allowed to see because he wouldn't fight her.

Shuffling through the cards, Peach found the fox, pink blob, and lightning creature she'd seen on the train ride in. Her heart racing, she flipped through more. If Bowser and I are here, she thought to herself, there has to be a chance...a chance at least..."

But when she got to the last card, she thew it down and frowned. "Really? Really?! You've got to be kidding me!"

Zelda craned her neck to look at it. "You know Wario?"


	3. You can checkout any time you like...but...

"Will you get away from me you floating monster truffle...no, no, not again!"

Peach missed whacking Kirby with her tennis racket and felt herself getting caught up into a whirlwind. Then the freakishly uncomfortable sensation of being nearly suffocated by a soft silky down comforter, and next a jolt to the system as the creature spit her back out again.

She felt Bowser's claws digging into her shoulders and she struggled to her feet. "C'mon, Peach, you can do better than this!" he admonished her as she righted herself and summoned a golf club.

Peach bit back a reply as she blocked a downward swipe from the sword of her opponent, a young blue-haired man named Marth. The game had started genially enough until Marth began whipping up his team members in a froth of competitive spirit. Then it was all-out war between Peach, Bowser, and Ness, versus Marth, Kirby and Pikachu.

Ness landed a solid hit onto Kirby with his bat, but it did little more than it would to a wiffleball; Kirby already floated like a fluffy pink feather, but now he'd inherited Peach's floating ability as well. Hitting him was like attempting to hurt someone made of packing peanuts.

In the next second Peach froze and her hair stood on end; it was not a painful feeling, no, but getting electrocuted by Pikachu was just as uncomfortable as being eaten by Kirby. She then felt herself flying through the air as the little electric rat kicked her once for good measure.

"Forward! Forward!" Marth shouted. "We almost have them!"

"I'll forward you," Peach muttered through gritted teeth as a giant hammer fell from the sky. All heads turned to her as she hefted the mighty reverser of fortunes. "I'll forward you all to Boo Woods and back!"

The head of the hammer slipped from its socket, leaving her with only the stick. She stared at it, uncomprehending. "What?"

Marth leaped forward and landed a solid hit. Peach went flying off into the warp zone.

\---------&\-----------

"Breathe. In, out. Again. You can do this. You are sitting on a fluffy cloud. The sun is out and the day is warm." Peach ran through the same meditation she did every time she got kidnapped, summoned, or confronted. She ran her hands through her tangled hair and smoothed her ruffled dress. "You are sweetness and goodness and light. Now a smile. A smile warms the heart. Yes! Very good!"

She sat on one of the hard wood benches in the waiting area, staring into a mirror, the only other thing in the room.

The doors on one end opened and Bowser and Ness entered. Both wore grumpy expressions. "So," Peach said in her sweetest voice," "How did it go?"

Bowser folded his arms and frowned down at her. "Terrible! What were you doing the whole time?"

"You're not a very good team player," Ness opined.

Peach felt her friendly facade crack. "Well...you know...I'm not very good at this yet...and really, I never asked to come to this place..."

"None of us did," Ness told her. "But the only way to get back home is to win."

The remains of her happy mask shattered. "What?!"

"Oops, did I not mention that?" Bowser chuckled. "Well, don't worry, once I win I'll make sure I take you with me. Then we can go back to the Mushroom Kingdom together!"

"Um...thank...you?" Peach stammered, not sure which piece of statement to argue with first.

Bowser held the opposite set of doors open for the other two. "I've got it all in the bag. Just enjoy yourself!"

Peach walked down the hallway in silence. When they reached the living quarters, Peach hunted around until she found R.O.B. "I need to speak with Master Hand. Please, would you let me see him?"

The little robot nodded, and led her back into the hallway where she had originally entered. Usually, the hallway ended in a blank wall. But now, as R.O.B. got nearer, a shiny engraved wooden door appeared, instead of the same utilitarian fire-doors that separated the sections.

The door opened by itself. Peach followed in R.O.B's wake, into an enormous office with floor-to-ceiling windows and plush purple carpet. Behind an elaborate cherry-wood desk sat Master Hand.

"Well, hello, milady majesty Princess, what can I do for you?" Master Hand greeted her as he stood and swept his hat from his head.

Peach plastered on her best smile. "Please, sir, I've been enjoying myself immensely, but...well, all vacations must have an end, you know. I'm sure my kingdom misses me. Please let me go home."

"Already?" He fell back into his chair with a look of shock and surprise. "Why, I had no idea you were such a party-pooper."

"Oh, I love a good party," she hurriedly explained. *And this is nothing like a good party*. "But I have responsibilities and all. As much as it pains me to go..."

"Impossible!" He whirled his chair around to face his back to her. "You haven't even cleared the bottom tier yet!"

Peach strained to keep her face in happy mode. "Oh dear...I'm afraid I'm not much good at this sort of thing...I should think the kingdom would burn to cinders before I could win any kind of championship this way..."

He spun the chair again and leaned forward, almost touching her face. "You know, Peach, maybe you should stick around anyway. Someone who needs to be saved as often as you do needs to learn some self-defense."

Startled, she took a step back. Then she took a deep breath and smiled again. "That's hardly your concern, Master Hand..."

He turned his chair away from her again. "Go back and practice. Then maybe we'll talk."

With a loud WHAM! everything in the room shook, except for Master Hand. Peach glanced down with a sort of detached surprise to see that her fist connecting to the desk had been the source of the noise. "With all due respect, sir," she said without moving either her hand or her smile, "you have no right to keep me here."

He edged the chair slowly around until she could see one eye looking at her, sparkling with a kind of amusement that made her stomach drop. "Did that ever stop anyone else?"

Peach reached forward and spun the chair to face her. "Let me go, or I'll..."

"You'll what?" He threw his head back and laughed. "You're at the bottom rung of a long list of fighters that are known as legends in their home worlds! If I can keep them here, what's going to stop me to from keeping you?"

Peach shoved him away from her. "Of all the...what on earth for?"

"For fun, of course! To determine who, among all these greats, is the greatest!" He sprang to his feet and threw his hands into the air. "For the drama! Friend against foe, friend against friend! To break old rivalries and forge new ones!" Reaching into his desk, he pulled two cards out of a drawer. "You remember how your friend Zelda has crib sheets of all the competitors? Care to see two more?"

Her eyes grew wide as she snatched them from his hands. "Mario and Luigi...they're here?!"

"Of course they are! Been here longer than you!"

"They won't fight me. They'll help me escape!"

"Of course they won't!" Master Hand laughed so hard he had to press one hand against his side. "Why? Because you're not the real Peach!"

Peach's face furrowed into confusion. "What are you talking about...not the real Peach? I'm as real as you are!"

"Perhaps, but they don't know that!" He snatched the cards back and threw them into the desk drawer. "You see, when you fight them – with Bowser – you'll be wearing a different color dress. And they'll already have been told that a Peach double has been cooked up to serve as wingman for the Koopa King!"

"That's ridiculous!" Peach's hands shook and she could barely keep her voice steady. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! What makes you think they'll believe that?"

"Pfft!" Master Hand's eyes rolled back in his head as he nearly collapsed with laughter. "As if that's the strangest story those two have ever heard!"

Peach felt her body go cold as she realized he was right. She froze, unable to move until R.O.B.'s little claw-hand clutched her wrist. "Goodbye, your Majesty!" Master Hand waved with mocking laughter as the robot pulled her back into the hall. "Have fun at your next fight!"

"Peach!" Bowser came running over. "Where have you been? We're together for the next fight!"

"Yes, I'm coming!" She hurried along, still fuming about her meeting with Master Hand. Perhaps these fights were good for one thing; she could take out her aggression on someone without hurting them.

They entered the Arena, and Peach tried to block out the fake cheering crowd. If they were fighting Marth again, maybe she could bump him off before he made his teammates nuts again...

"Oh YEAH!" Bowser bellowed into her ear, jolting her out of her strategy. "Now THIS is what I've been waiting for!"

Her head jerked up and her heart leapt. "Mario, Luigi!"

"No, no, Peach, we're teammates this time!" Peach didn't listen to a word Bowser said. She waved, trying to get Mario's attention; and he gave her the same hard stare that he gave Bowser.

"Oh for goodness sake, he could not possibly be unable to recognize me because...wait, what happened to me?!" Peach exclaimed as she looked down at herself. Her clothes, her skin, her shoes...she was completely covered in a strange grayish-black hue, as if she were an animated shadow.

"Welcome to the Arena, everyone! It's the Dream Team, the Brothers Mario, versus Bowser and Dark Peach!"

"'Dark Peach', how original," Peach muttered to herself. "Mario!" she called out. "Please, don't listen to this crazy-"

"FIGHT!" Master Hand called out, and the other three leaped forward. Bowser and Mario went for each others' throats immediately; Luigi somewhat hesitantly tossed a fireball at Peach.

She blocked it with her umbrella. "Luigi, stop this! It's me, Peach!"

Luigi said nothing, jumping down his platform and throwing a punch, which she dodged.

"Stop! I said stop!" She whacked him in the head with her umbrella.

"C'mon Peach! You can take on Green 'Stache!" Bowser shouted out words of encouragement, which just made her want to hit him instead.

A party ball dropped some food. Peach grabbed at the first thing she saw and offered it to Luigi. If I make some kind of peace offering, he can't possibly think I'm an enemy, right?

Luigi flinched and backed off. Peach glanced down at the item in her hands; it was the chili that made you spit fire. In frustration she threw it off the platform into the warp zone.

"Peach, look out!" Peach whirled round just in time for Mario's fist connect with her face. Off she flew into the warp zone.

\-----------&\-------------

"Man, I almost got him that time!" Peach stewed in resentment as Bowser patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry, we'll just have to practice together more!"

Peach said nothing. She was afraid she might explode.

"Well, I'm going to take a dip in the pool! Feel free to join me!"

If you think for a second that I'm going to stay here with you in this convoluted fever-dream...

"Would you like to play a game?" Zelda stood before her with a chessboard in her hands.

Though she really wanted to punch someone and knew it wouldn't hurt, Peach tamped down the urge. She didn't want to sock someone she barely knew. In a strained voice she said, "I'm really not that good..."

"Perhaps checkers then?"

"I'm really not in the mood..."

Zelda's voice dropped several decibels. "If we speak just once per round, he'll get bored and stop watching us."

Peach blinked. "Who will?"

Zelda gave her a meaningful look. "You already know, don't you?"

Peach froze. Of course they were being watched. Could she trust this woman? She wasn't sure if Zelda had made those cards or if Master Hand had given them to her. Everyone else was so gung-ho about this whole ridiculous setup. But then Zelda had tried to warn her early on...

Giving her a tired smile, Peach said, "Checkers would be lovely."


End file.
